First Woman: "This is very embarrassing, but every time I sneeze, I have an orgasm." Second Woman: "You poor dear! Are you taking anything for that?" First Woman: "Snuff." ------------ What's the definition of the perfect woman? 1) She's three feet tall, has a round hole for a mouth and her head is flat so you can put cocktails on it. 2) The sports model has pull-back ears and her teeth fold in. 3) The economy model - she fucks all night and at midnight she turns into a roast beef sandwich and a six pack. ------------ Three old ladies were sitting on a park bench when a flasher walked up to them and displayed his endowments. The first old lady had a stroke, the second old lady had a stroke, but the third old lady's arms were too short to reach. ------------ This guy walks into a bar, walks up to the bartender and says, "I'd like a scotch and soda and I'd like to buy that douche bag at the end of the bar a drink." The bartender says, "Hey, she's a regular and you can't be talking about her that way." The guy says, "Okay, I'd like to buy that nice, young lady at the end of the bar a drink." The bartender says, "That's more like it," and he walks up to the girl and asks her what she wants to drink. She says, "Vinegar and water." ------------ A man meets up with an old roomate whom he has not seen for many years. The roomate has had a sex-change operation. "Was it painful?", asks the former. "No, not really" says the second. "How about when they cut off your dick?" "No that really wasn't the worst of it." "Really?" says the first. "How about when they had to create the new hole? That must have been painful." "No the worst part was when they stuck the straw in my ear and sucked out half my brains." -------------- Why did God give women nipples? To make suckers out of men. Why did the Detroit Lions hire two nuns and a prostiture for the new season? Because they needed two tight ends and a wide receiver. Why are clams like women? When the red tide comes, you don't eat them. How does a man know when he's eaten pussy well? When he wakes up in the morning and his face looks like a glazed doughnut. Did you hear about the new video game for women only, called Dick-Man? You put a quarter in and get fucked. I've got a joke so funny it'll make your breast fall off: Oh...I see you've already heard it. What do you call a virgin on a waterbed? A cherry float. What do you do when your Kotex catches fire? Throw it on the floor and tampon it. What's 10, 9, 8, 7, 6, 5, 4, 3, 2, 1? Bo Derek getting older. Did you hear about the new douche powder made of alum, LSD, and Kentucky Fried Chicken batter? It's uptight, outasight, and finger-lickin' good. What's the difference between a light bulb and a pregnant woman? You can unscrew a light bulb. What do fat girls and mopeds have in common? They're both fun to ride until a friend see you. Why are women giving up bowling for screwing? The balls are lighter and you don't have to change your shoes. What's the difference between a job and a wife? After five years, the job still sucks. How do you make paper dolls? Screw an old bag. What's the white stuff you find in women's panties? Clitty litter. Bumber sticker: Support E.R.A. - make him sleep on the wet spot. What do you call a rehabilitation home for ex-prostitutes? An all-the-way house. Definition of a wife: "An attachment you screw on the bed to get the housework done." How are an oven and a woman alike? You have to get them both hot before you can stick the meat in. Remember what's worse than getting raped by Jack the Ripper? (Getting fingered by Captain Hook.) Well, you know what's worse than that? Getting eaten out by Jaws. What's the purpose of a bellybutton? To put your gum in on the way down. Why was the stamp commemorating prostitution so unpopular? You had to pay an extra ten cents to lick it. What's the difference between a hormone and an enzyme? You can't hear an enzyme. How do you make a hormone? Put sand in the Vaseline. What's a cunt that talks back? An answering cervix. What do you give an eighty-year-old woman for her birthday? Mikey ... He'll eat anything. What do you call a woman who uses too much contraceptive cream? A spermicidal maniac. Why do women have legs? So they don't leave snail tracks on linoleum floors. What do you call a hooker with no legs? A nightcrawler. What do you call a girl who's just been run over by a car? Patty. Why do female parachutists always wear pantyhose? So they won't whistle. How do you tell when a woman is wearing pantyhose? If she farts, her ankles will swell. How do you tell if a woman is wearing underwear? Look for the dandruff on her shoes. Why do women have 2 holes so close together? In case you miss. Why do women have 2 holes so close together? So you can carry them home like a six-pack. What do you call a female clone? A clunt. Why did the guy trade in his wife for an outhouse? Because the hole was smaller and the smell was better. Why is there a string on the end of a tampon? So you can floss after you eat. How does a girl hold her liquor? By the ears! How is a woman like a frying pan? You have to get them hot before you put in the meat. How is a woman like an airplane? Both have cockpits. How is a woman like a road? Both have manholes. Which of the group doesn't belong (eggs,wife,meat,blowjob)? A blowjob because you can beat the others but you can't beat a blowjob Ladies, look down inside your shirts and spell the word attic out loud. Three mysteries of women: 1. They can give milk without eating grass. 2. They can bleed for a week every month without dying. 3. (My favorite). They can bury a bone without getting their noses dirty. What does a woman do to her asshole in the morning? Sends him to work. Your wife's just like a rifle: First she gets cocked and then she blows. Your wife's just like a bowling ball: She gets picked up, fingered, thrown in the gutter, and always comes back for more! How many male Chauvinists does it take to clean a toilet ????? None ! Thats womans work. What two things in the air might get a woman pregnant? Her feet! If God didn't want man to eat pussy, He wouldn't have made it look so much like a TACO! What do you call a hooker with a runny nose? FULL!! How can you tell if you've been fucking your girl too much? A: Stick your thumb in her asshole and your middle finger up her snatch, If you can hear yourself snap your fingers, ease off a little. How does a women get a mink coat ? The same way mink gets a mink. What do the two million battered wives in America all have in common? They don't know when the hell to shut up. ---------- A woman goes to the gynecologist with a terrible case of crotch rot. The doctor takes one whiff & almost passes out. "My dear," says the Doc, "this is serious! What you need is Mega Douche!" "Mega Douche?" says the woman, "What's that?" "It's my own formula! It contains marijuana, talcum powder & Kentucky fried chicken." "Why marijuana, talcum powder & fried chicken?" "Because you wanna keep that thing high & dry & finger lickin good!" ----------- Three men were sitting on a beach; a fairly good-looking blonde walks by. The first man says, "I give her a six"; the second, "I give her a 7"; the third says, "She is a 1." The other two look at him and wonder. Another woman walks by. The first man says, "She is an 8"; the second says, "I give her an 8+"; the third says, "She is a three." Again the first two men wonder about him. Then an extremely fine-looking redhead approaches. The first man says, "She is a 10!" The second man says, "She is an 11!!" The third guy says, "She is a six." The other two finally look at him and say, "What is the matter with you, man?? That redhead is perfect!! Are you weird or something??" "Wait a minute--you don't understand; I use the Budweiser scale." "What the hell is that?" "That's how many clydesdales it would take to pull her off my face." ---------------------------------- How A Pussy Was Made ==================== Seven Wise Men made up their minds to build then a Pussy of their own Design. The First was a Carpenter, full of wit, with a Hammer and Chisel, He made the Slit. The Second, a Blacksmith, black as coal, with an Anvil and Sledge, He made the Hole. The Third, a Rich Tailor, tall and thin, with a peice of Red Ribbon, He lined it within. The Fourth, a Furrier, big and stout, with the Skin of a Bear, He lined it without. The Fifth, a Fisherman, old and bent, with a Rotten Herring, He gave it a Scent. The Sixth, a Preacher, with a B.A. degree, Patted it, and Felt it, and said it would Pee. The Seventh, a Rabbi, a Mean Little Runt, Blessed it, and F*cked it, and called it a C*nt. ---------------- This young rich man was looking for a wife, and had narrowed his choices down to 3 women. He couldn't make up his mind on which one he should marry, so he tested them. He gave each women $5,000 to see what they would spend it on. The first woman went out, bought furs and jewels, and blew all the money on herself. The second woman put half of it in the bank, and spent the rest of it on herself. The third woman bought herself a dress, and many, many gifts for the young man. Given these facts, which woman do you think the young man married? answer: The woman with the biggest tits, of course! ------------------ Chemical Analysis Element : Woman Symbol : WO Discoverer : Adam Quantitative Analysis: Accepted at 36-28-36, though isotopes ranging from 25-10-20 to 60-55-60 have been identified Occurance: Found wherever man is, but seldom in the highly reactive, energetic singlet state. Surplus quantities in all urban areas Physical Properties: Undergoes spontaneous dehydrolysis (weeps) at absolutely nothing, and freezes at a moments notice. Totally unpredictable. Melts when properly treated, very bitter if not well used. Found in various states, ranging from virgin metal to common ore. Non-magnetic but attracted by coins & sports cars. In its natural shape the specimen varys considerably, but it is often changed artificially so well that the change is indiscernable except to the experienced eye. Chemical Properties: Has a great affinity for AU, AG, & C, especially in the crystalline form. May give violent reaction if left alone. Will absorb great amounts of food matter. Highly desired reaction is initiated with various reagents such as C(2)-H(5)-OH & sexy aftershave. An essential catalyst is often required (must say that you love her at least 5 times daily). Reaction accelerates out of control when in dark & all reaction conditions are suitable. Extremely difficult to react if in the highly stable pure form. Yields to pressure applied to correct points. The reaction is highly exothermic. Storage: Best results are obtained between the ages of 18 & 25 years. Uses: Highly ornamental. Uses as a tonic for low spirits. Used on lonely nights as a heating agent (if properly prepared). Tests: Pure specimens turn rosey tint if discovered in raw, natural state. Turns green if placed beside a better specimen. Caution: Most powerful reducing agent known to man (income & ego). Highly explosive in inexperienced hands. Specimen must be used with great care if experiments are to succeed. It is illegal to possess more than one permanent specimen, though a certain amount of exchange is permitted. ------------------ Banana Loaf ----------- 2 laughing eyes 2 bowing arms 2 well-shaped legs 2 firm milk containers 1 fur-lined mixing bowl 1 banana Look into laughing eyes, spread well-shaped legs and slowly squeeze and massage milk containers gently until mixing bowl is well greased. Check frequently with middle finger. Add banana and gently work in and out until creamed. Cover with nuts and garnish with a sigh of relief. Bread is done when banana is soft. Be sure to wash mixing utensils and do not lick the bowl. WARNING: If bread rises, LEAVE TOWN !!!!!!!! -------------------- What do you call a woman who has lost her mind? A widow. Why do women have tits? So men will talk to them. Why do women have periods? Because they deserve them. Why is a woman better than a sheep? Sheep can't cook. Why does a woman have one more brain cell than a cow? so she doesn't shit on the floor when she does the dishes. What is the definition of "Male Chauvinist Pig?" A man who hates every bone in a woman's body--except his own. -------------------- Joe: I got a problem. Ed: What's the matter? Joe: Women. I just don't understand them. Ed: Do you understand your TV? Joe: No. Ed: So what's the problem?! -------------------- And a little story: Guy and girl in back of van going at it... Girl says "put a finger in me" So he does. Then she says "put another finger in me" and he does. "Put ANOTHER finger in me" and again he does. "Put your whole HAND in me" and he does... "Put your other hand in me" and again he obeys. "Now clap" At this point he replies "I can't!" "Tight huh?" -------------------- How many radical feminists does it take to screw in a light bulb? Three: One to change it, One to support her by holding the ladder, One to write an indignant essay condemning the use of the word "screw". -------------------- A woman pulls over at the gas station, gets out of her car, opens the hood, and checks the engine oil. After a few seconds of intelligent thinking, she takes a dipstick in her hand and, raising her chest high, walks up to the attendant: "Excuse me sir, but can I buy a longer dipstick?" "May I ask why you need a longer one ma'am?" "Because this one isn't long enough to reach the oil!!" -------------------- Why do women have wrinkles at the corners of their eyes? Because they learned early in life to squint their eyes when they say "SUCK WHAT????" How are women like clams? You don't eat them when the red tide comes in. Definition of entrapment A snatch with a catch. ----------------------------------------- I read the other day that the SAT tests are allegedly biased toward white males and against females and minorities. This is horse crap of the highest order! As irrefutable evidence, I cite the fact that 2.7 million women scored higher on the SAT's than I did the year I took them. However, in fairness to the ladies, I do remember a question in the math section that was slightly biased. It was something like this: Two men and a 135 pound woman are in a pool hall. Man A buys the woman two pitchers of beer, and man B buys the woman three pitchers of beer. Which man gets laid? A. Man A B. Man B C. Neither. A 135 pound woman will be dead after 5 pitchers of beer. D. Both. Correct answer: B ----------------------------------------- THINGS YOU CAN SAY TO YOUR WENCH Definition: from the Second College Edition of Webster's New World Dictionary of the American Language. wench (wench) n. [ME. wenche, contr. < wenchel, child, boy, girl, young woman < OE. wencel, a child, akin to wancol, unsteady (? in reference to to an infant's gait): for IE. base see WINCH {1}] 1. a girl or young woman: now a somewhat derogatory or jocular term 2. [Archaic] a) a country girl b) a female servant c) a prostitute or loose woman --- vi. to be sexually promiscuous with prostitutes or loose women --- wench'er n. Say:, Wench! 69; I'm not ready; I'm ready; I'm the best fuck you'll ever get; I'm too good for you; I've got your pistol right here; I don't care if it hurts; I don't know you; I know; I want more; S&M; abort; again; beat it; because; beer; bend over; between the lips; be useful; bite; blow harder; bondage; bow; bring out the soap; can it; clean up; control; doesn't fit; does it hurt yet; doggie style; don't be frigid; don't drool; don't fight it; don't fuck with me; don't fumble; don't get mouthy; don't start with me; don't whine; down; do it right; drink; drive; eat my wrench; enjoy; enough; flex; food; fuck me; funnel; get IN the tub; get lost; get off my bed; get on it; get on the pill; get out; get out the chains; get peeled; get the fuck out; get the gear shift; get the whip; get your ass over here; give it a rest; give it to me; give skull; groan; hand action; heartless; here, now; here I come; incompetent; inhale; in the bucket; in the hole; it's not mine; it's now or never; just do it; just put it on; kneel; know your place; learn it; jump my train; let's get it on; lick; lick it up; like it; more lubricant; move over; next; no; now; oh no; on all fours; on the bench; on the counter; on the floor; on top; on your back; open; park it; pay the price; pay up; pour; pull over; pump; push harder; put it on; quickie; roll over; rub harder; scream; see if I care; service; shave it off; shut up; sink my pink torpedo; slush; spit it out; spread 'em; stop bitching; stop it; stop squirming; strip; stupid; submit; suck; swallow; take it off; thrust my pork sword; tie me up; tighten; tongue action; too bad; tough; troubled; vaseline; where's the hole; wider; wipe it up; work with me; you're in the book; you're on the list; you sit in the wet spot Say: , Wench? NEVER USE: please; how are you; did you enjoy it; do you want more; I love you; CAN USE: so; PMS; on the rag; ----------------------------------------- Seen on a foxy lady's tee-shirt: As the Hurricane said to the Palm Tree, "Hold on to your nuts, cause this ain't no ordinary blow job!" ----------------- Q: What do you call a woman who just lost 185 pounds of useless fat? A: A divorcee. Q: Why don't women have brains? A: Because they don't have a penis to put them in. ************************************************************************* THE RULES 1) The Female Always Makes the Rules. 2) The Rules are subject to change at any time without prior notification. 3) No Male can possibly know all the Rules. 4) If the Female suspects the Male knows all the rules, she must immediatley change some or all of the rules. 5) The Female is NEVER wrong. 6) If the Female is wrong, it is because of a flagrant Misunderstanding which was a direct result of something the Male did or said wrong. 7) If Rule 6 applies, the Male must apologize IMMEDIATELY for causing the Misunderstanding. 8) The Female can change her mind at any given point in time. 9) The Male must never change his mind without EXPRESS WRITTEN CONSENT from the Female. 10) The Female has every right to be Angry or Upset at any time. 11) The Male must remain Calm at ALL TIMES, unless the Female wants him to be Angry or Upset. 12) The Female must UNDER NO CIRCUMSTANCES let the Male know whether or not she wants him to be Angry or Upset. 13) Any attempt to document these Rules could result in Bodily Harm. 14) If the Female has PMS, All Rules are NULL and VOID. ************************************************************************** The 9 Types of Boyfriends Joe Sensitive - "After I wash the dishes, let's cuddle, OK?" Also known as: Mr. Nice Guy, Family man, Honey, Darling, Soft-boiled Egg, Snugglepup Advantages: Well-behaved; irons own shirts Disadvantages: Irritatingly compassionate, wimpy Old Man Grumpus - "People are stupid. The world can go to hell. Let's stay home and watch TV." Also known as: Grumbles, Sour puss, Stick-in-the-mud, Old Fogey, Slow Mover, Jerk Advantages: Stays put; predictable Disadvantages: Royal pain in the ass Flinchy - "I--I'm sorry for whatever it was I did." Also known as: Trembly, Creampuff, Hey you Advantages: Jumps entertainingly when startled Disadvantages: Easily spooked; surrenders without a struggle Bigfoot - "Shut yer trap, I'm thinkin'." Also known as: Chunk-style, Lummox, Ignoramus, Galoot, the Hulk, Big 'n' Dumb Advantages: Can tote bales; is easily fooled Disadvantages: Can break you in half, sweats like a pig Lazybones - "Zzzzzz" Also known as: Lucky Dog, Parasite, Bum, Sponge, Snoozebucket, Drug Addict Advantages: Well rested; easy target Disadvantages: Unlikely to fulfull your dreams The Sneak - "Who, me?" Also known as: Love Pirate, Snake, Rat, Slime, G-D Son of a Bitch Advantages: May feel pangs of guilt Disadvantages: May be having time of his life Ace of Hearts - "After I wash the dishes let's make love like crazed weasels, OK?" Also known as: The Sizzler, Handyman, Dreamboat, Casanova, Monster Advantages: Perpetually aroused Disadvantages: Perpetually aroused The Dreamer - "Someday I'm going to be rich and famous. I don't know how, but--" Also known as: Struggling artist, Philosopher, Buffoon, Bag of Wind, Fool Advantages: Tells good stories Disadvantages: Will turn into "Old Man Grumpus" Mr. Right - "While the servants wash the dishes, let's make love like crazed weasels in my new yacht, ok?" Also known as: Mr. Perfect, Jim Dandy Advantages: Answer to a woman's prayer Disadvantages: Hunted to extinction The 9 Types of Girlfriends Ms. Nice Guy - "Tickets to the boxing match? Oh Darling, you shouldn't have" Also known as: What a gal, precious, one of the boys, my main squeeze, doormat Advantages: Cheerful, agreeable, kindly Disadvantages: May wise up someday Old Yeller - "You G-D spineless good-for-nothing drag-ass no-talent son of a bitch! Can't you see you're making me miserable??" Also known as: She-Devil, Sourpuss, the Nag, My Old Lady, Warthog from Hell Advantages: Pays attention to you Disadvantages: Screeches, throws frying pans Sickly - "Oh, my head. My head. My feet. My cramps. My cellulite" Also known as: Whiner, Mewler, Glumpy Advantages: Predictable Disadvantages: Contagious The Bosser - "Stand up straight. Put on a different tie. Get a haircut. Change your job. Make some money. Don't give me that look." Also known as: Whipcracker, The Sarge, Ms. Know-it-all, Ball and Chain, yes Mom Advantages: Often right Disadvantages: Often right, but so what? Ms. Vaguely Dissatisfied - "I just can't decide. Should I switch my career, goals, home, and hair color?" Also known as: The Fretter, Worrywart, Typical, Aw c'mon Honey Advantages: Easily soothed Disadvantages: Even more easily perturbed Wild Woman out of Control - "I've got an idea. Lez get drunk an' make love onna front lawn. I done it before. S'fun." Also known as: Fast girl, freewheeler, goodtime charleena, passed out Advantages: More fun than a barrel of monkeys Disadvantages: Unreliable; drives off cliffs Huffy - "I see nothing humorous in those silly cartoons you keep snickering at" Also known as: No fun, humorless prig, Cold fish, Chilly proposition, iceberg, Snarly Advantages: Your friends will feel sorry for you Disadvantages: You will have no friends Woman from Mars - "I believe this interpretive dance will explain how I feel about our relationship" Also known as: The Babbler, Spooky Girl, Screwball, Loony, Bad News, Artistic Advantages: Entertaining, unfathomable Disadvantages: Will read her poetry aloud Ms. Dreamgirl - "I am utterly content with you just the way you are, my handsome genius of a boyfriend. I think we must make love like crazed weasels now" Also known as: Ms. Right, Goddess, Knockout, Perfection, Gorgeous Advantages: Funny, intelligent uninhibited Disadvantages: Will have nothing to do with you -------------------------------------------------------- Dear ________________, This letter was started by a woman much like yourself in the hopes of bringing relief to other tired and dis- contented women. Unlike most chain letters, this one does not cost anything. Just send a copy of this letter to five of your friends who are equally tired and discontent. Then, bundle up your husband, boyfriend or boss, and send him to the woman whose name appears at the top of this list and add your name to the bottom of the list. When your name comes to the top of the list you will receive 16,877 men and one of them is bound to be better than the one you already had! DO NOT BREAK THE CHAIN......HAVE FAITH!!! One woman broke the chain and got her own S.O.B back. At this writing a friend of mine had already received 184 men; they buried her yesterday, but it took three undertakers 36 hours to get the smile off her face, an two days to get her legs together so they could close the coffin. YOU MUST HAVE FAITH...... Sincerely, A Liberated Woman -------------------------------------------------------- THE SINGLE GIRL's CHRISTMAS PRAYER This Christmas may I have at least one really nice date. May his car have clean seats and glass in all the windows May he not be more than three hours late May his left eye match the one on the right May he have all his front teeth and not be high a a kite May he have all his hormones under control May he wear clean underpants without any holes May his whiskers not burn and make my face blotch May he think with his brain and not with his crotch And, Lord, if I might ask for just one thing more... May he have good aim in my bathroom and not pee on my clean floor -------------------------------------------------------- Duke University Medical Center is reporting an unusual occurrance in the Obstetrics Department: a child was born with both male and female organs. A penis and a brain. ------------------- What's the definition of the ideal man? One with a twelve-inch tongue and a broom-handle through his ears. ------------------- PENDLETON, Ind. (AP) -- Officials are considering changing the name of Pendleton Middle School or at least removing its initials from athletic uniforms to avoid embarrassment for its girls' teams. ------------------- The destruction of the Berlin wall marked history's first feminine revolution: There had been no violence and when it ended everybody went shopping. ------------------- Q. What do you call a woman who has PMS and ESP? A. A bitch who thinks she knows it all. ------------------- I hope that the packaging for the new Stayfree Maxipads with baking soda includes a warning about the potential side effects of wearing a baking soda laced feminine napkin after using a vinegar and water douche. ------------------- DAVID'S TRUTHS ABOUT WOMEN In this world, there are two sets of women: women that you would love to be with, and women that would love to be with you. THERE IS NO UNION OF THESE TWO SETS. Any woman that you become extremely attracted to will tell you that you are the best friend that a woman could ever have. Being told that you are nice is: the equivalent to her saying, "I wish that you were my brother." a curse. her way of saying that "I hope we can just be friends. A Slut is a woman that will sleep with anyone. A Bitch is a woman that will sleep with anyone but you. All women are Bitches. Only beautiful women who are engaged or engaged to be engaged or married or your mother's best friend will think that you are a wonderful person that any woman would die for. These same women will be completely dumbfounded at the revelation that you don't go out with a hundred women a week. Much less one. When a woman says "No!" she really means "Yes!" -- except, of course, when she means "NO!" Unless you make over a million dollars a year, you must completely ignore and demean a woman to gain her affection. If you completely disregard her existence, she'll die for you. The degree of subtlety used by a woman is inversely proportional to how attracted you are to her. If you are absolutely in love with everything about her, her hints will amount to, "I really like your roommates new shoes." If you have no attraction to her what-so-ever, she will ask you to come spend a week with her in the Bahamas. A woman will confide in you that she slept with your best friend and that he treated her like dirt afterwards. She will go on-and-on for hours, until she builds up enough nerve to ask him out again. Every woman that you meet that you are instantly attracted to will be: Married, heavily dating the same guy for the 3rd year, a lesbian my brother's ex-girlfriend. A "Taken" woman will tell you that you are a great-looking guy, but that looks don't matter anyway and that she'd go out with you if she wasn't already dating someone. "Taken" women are the only women capable of understanding your wonderful sense of humor, you amazing musical talent, your tremendous sensitivity, and gracious generosity. A Woman will talk to you about a certain guy that they think is a real jerk, wondering what any Woman would see in him, and then ask you to set them up. Women will absolutely drive you crazy and seemingly make no sense. Women will confuse you and make you distraught. Women are the most wonderful things in the entire world. They are the most precious element that the world could ever know. Everything from the way they look to the way they talk to the way the move, walk, sigh, gesture, dance, smile, laugh, cuddle, squeeze, tease, hug, caress, smell, taste -- is fantastic.