A Users Manual From The Computer Relations Institute The following manual is provided as an aid to those open minded adults wishing to achieve a more fulfilling and meaningful relationship with their UNIX computer. WARNING!!: Do not attempt the more difficult positions immediately! Start with the simple relationships and work your way up, or damage to the operator and/or terminal may result! LOGON As in all relationships, you must start by approaching the terminal and making some small talk. In computer terminology, this is referred to as "logging on". It is, however, just a highly evolved form of foreplay (much like the singles bar scene). If the computer is receptive to your advancement (hey what is your sign? #grep /etc/passwd), then it will respond by asking for a password. This is the computer's way of weeding out the nerds before verifiably engaging in any relationship. It also sets the term for the give-and-take interrelationship to follow. If this condition of foreplay is successful, the user is allowed to "access the computer". Once this is past, the user and the computer are ready to network in some serious entanglements. CHECK-IN WITH DOT The computer has a vast and ponderous knowledge that may be accessed by the temporal user (it's "been around"). To decide just what form of relationship will develop, the computer kindly produces a $ prompt, which evokes the terminal user to fork up an appropriate response and press the ENTER key (more about entering later!). How much the $ expects is dependant upon Dot Profile. Everyone knows Dot don't they? Dot's gotta hold on you where you live! Without Dot's help you could be awking off in the corner! Dot's got your mail! Dot's got your history for the last several transgressions, so you'd better be sure Dot is taken care of properly at the $ prompt. No short changing here! If you do short the Dot, you'll be seeing it on the front page of your news_rc PROGRAM ACCESS Ah! The fun part! Most programs require a lot of entering. Care has to be taken here not to enter the wrong thing in the wrong place! NOTE: You may find your self entering repeatedly to achieve any degree of success. You may enter as hard (often stated "strike any key") and as fast as you like, but like any sensitive partner, please be aware of the computer's feelings. Automation and modern technology have produced the most advanced of all partners our multi- user, multi-tasking environment. (Wouldn't it be nice if you could multi-user without fear of catching something, including bullets.) PROFICIENCY The system, if properly approached, will respond almost instantly and openly to user advances. (Dinner, dancing and a show aren't even needed.) As you improve you may even be able to experience multiple relationships per day. Just work your way up slowly. (Be careful, you are beginning to sweat on the keys!) EXITING After accessing your favorite program and dwelling on all the earthly delights available from the depths of the system, it will soon become time for the climactic end of the session. This step has been automated to allow the users to take full advantage of their passions. The system will be ready to get off any time the user so desires. No more trying to time things just right! The user types EXIT and enters for the final time. The computer responds instantly, and with much relief and gratification, the user is thrust out, finished and spent from passionate endeavors in the exiting world of computer relationships. The only thing that seems a bit unfair is that the computer immediately begins to invite another LOGON!! CONSEQUENCES As in any highly developed personal relationship, certain responsibilities and consequences exist. Privacy, especially in multi-user scenarios is non-existent! There are more ways to see what the user is doing and has done than you would expect. PID (not pelvic inflammatory disease) can generate child processes which will then spawn PPIDs and so on. The awesomeness of the birthing of child processes can occasionally be interrupted. The cause of these birth defects is sometimes predictable, and sometimes cannot be explained, and you wind up with a core dump right in the middle of your directory! HONESTLY! There are proper places for dumping. Thankfully, cores don't smell. Interruptus and aborting of processes are frowned upon by the local right-to-life movement. However, the system doesn't seem to be at all distressed by multiple interrupts and aborts. Sometimes its helpful in keeping the process population from getting out of hand and into the system. MORE ON MULTI-USER The computer is the most versatile of all partners. For those operators who have advanced beyond the one-on-one scene, the computer is open to many variations. It is capable of having relationships with many different users at the same time. (This would be an unpopular subject in news.soc.singles) It won't even call you by the wrong name! Caution for humans needs to be exercised. Multiple relationships are very difficult for users, and extraordinarily simple for the computer. Also, the tirelessness of the computer can often exhaust the most lascivious user. Hours on hours, days on days, until the PIDs number 10^6 the computer will keep asking for LOGINS! PROGRAMMERS A very elite group of computer relaters exists, known as "programmers". This group can delve as deeply into the mysteries of computer relations as is technically possible today. It is this group, in fact, that is able to maintain the computer at the fevered pitch. Not much is known about the practices of this elite group, but studies are going on at this time to determine how their complex groupings are tied into the inner workings of the mighty computers. It should be noted that relationships between users and programmers should be approached with precaution. The depth of knowledge of the programmer may well burn out the more simple minded users if the computer is not allowed to act as counselor. In closing, the user is encouraged to explore the satisfying world of the computer. Thrust in headlong to the depth of your ability. Seek the serene but passionate heights of the most intense programs. You will come away satisfied and content in the knowledge of a relationship well founded. DEFINITIONS GOING DOWN - Occasionally, the entire computer will turn "frigid" in mid-course and refuse to do anything. This can be very frustrating to the operators. It is truly traumatic to the users that are about to exit in the relationship. The reason for this action is not entirely known. Indeed, it appears that the result of going down has entirely the opposite effect than the action practiced by humans on each other that bears the same name. However the computer can be made to recover from this withdrawal by very special foreplay performed by system administrators. (Special users and programmers). Going down has one redeeming quality. It is often the cause of the PID numbers to fall nearly to the extinction level. PIDs and PPIDs are annihilated by the millions. This is the ultimate in child process evacuation. COLD START - This is a term for the intricate foreplay practiced by programmers on a computer that has "gone down". It appears that this is the only form of foreplay that the system will respond to in order to arouse a withdrawn system to engage in relationships with the more common users. WARM START - This form of foreplay between system administrators and the computer occurs when the computer has "gone down" from the secret actions of the system administrators themselves. No one knows why this ritualistic form of system deprivation is periodically practiced by this elite group. Some theories suggest it is a method whereby the programmers drive their satisfaction from the frustrated energies of the other users. BACKUP - A back-up is performed by the programmers at regular intervals. It may be some form of rear-entry or "back-door" access to the systems most private parts. The reason for this is also not known., but at times when the system "goes down", it would not be possible to bring it around again had some programmer not performed a "back-up" recently. RUNNING- This is a devious practice performed by the a programming group or system administrators that is thought TAPE to be a form of electronic bondage. The system is thought to derive much pleasure from this. We know that it has to do with the memories of the system, and is therefore thought to be very important. This act is never forgotten by the computer unless it is "erased", which may be some form of pleasure-trance induced by the programmers. WARM DUMP - Not much is known about this. Theories presented by researchers on system relations are so strange and repulsive that this is most often handled by government agencies. The droppings for some, called "cores" are immediate calls to investigation.(Preverts) (Is that the opposite of Postverts?) MODEMS - A piece of equipment that can allow for telefornication by both authorized and unauthorized users if the system is not properly prepared.